(Indpndnt) Jonathan Brown—Isolated: single Christians feel unsupported by family-focused churches

from TitusOneNine by Kendall Harmon

Single Christians feel "isolated, alone and lonely" within their churches, according to new research. More than a third of worshippers who were not married or in a relationship said they did not feel treated the same as those that were part of conventional families.

Nearly four out of ten single churchgoers said they often felt "inadequate or ignored" whilst 42.8 per cent said their church did not know what to do with them. A total of 37 per cent said they "did not feel treated as family members"

The findings were based on the responses of 2,754 people who used the Christian dating site Christian Connection and suggest there is a significant minority of worshippers who feel alienated by the prevailing attitudes within protestant denominations in Britain including the Church of England.

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The Pastor and Growth of a Congregation

from Kevin on Congregations by Dean Kevin

In my last blog, I talked about the dynamic of the size of a congregation, how long it has been that way, and how these dynamics predict the possibility of growth in churches. I learned this from Lyle Schaller.

According to Lyle Schaller, the second dynamic that comprises 80% is contained in “Who is the pastor and what does the pastor know about growing a church?”

To be more specific, what Schaller was asking was on a general level and a specialized level. The general question is “what does the pastor know about growing anything?” The principles of growth extend to many areas of life. For example, a farmer knows that she will have to prepare the soil, plant seed, fertilize, weed and eventually harvest. A business owner knows that he will have to identify a need, meet the need, and make this known to his market. This kind of knowledge about growth is translatable into congregational life.

Unfortunately, many clergy believe that by preaching sermons, offering the sacraments, and making pastoral visits is all that is needed lead a church toward growth. Of course, it is important for every pastor to be faithful to our pastoral duties. I am just saying that carrying these out faithfully will not lead to growth. I usually phrase this as “managing a church and growing it are not the same thing.” Here seminary education can also be a hindrance because what professors think their students should make a priority is not what leads to growth in congregations. Consequently, armed with such seminary training, new pastors go out and are ineffectual in growing their congregations.

The specialized question is “What does the pastor know about growing the size congregation that he or she is leading?” Growing a pastoral size church with 100 people attending each Sunday is very different from growing a congregation with 400 in attendance. The pastor needs to focus on the activities that matter for each size.

For example, when I was working for the Diocese of Texas, I was meeting with the young vicar of a congregation with an ASA around 40. The priest was just out of seminary and new to the congregation. He was what I would call a warm- hearted evangelical (a Trinity Seminary graduate) who wanted to lead folks to Christ and to grow the Church. But after leading it for about a year, there had not been much growth. So I asked him, do you know what a priest in a congregation of this size has to do to grow the congregations? He speculated about evangelistic preaching, bible study and a few other areas but said that he had been doing these and didn’t see any results.

We were at lunch so I took a napkin and said, let me write down the five things you will need to do to actually grow this place. I did and then handed the list to him. He read the first item and looked surprised. He then said, “That explains our two new families.”

The first thing I wrote was this; Spend 15 to 20% of your time with un-churched people. In a smaller church, the pastor needs to nurture relationships with people who have no church affiliation. The two families were a result of his helping coach his son’s baseball team. We then discussed the resistance that his congregation would have to him doing this. By the way, when I have told this story at clergy conferences over the years, the most common question I get asked is “What were the other four?” I respond that it doesn’t matter if you don’t do number 1.

Of course, the creative management of staff is critical to the Rector of a Resource size church. So to is creative planning of new areas of ministry. The pastor of a large church must also see to developing an effective assimilation program for the church.

Moving beyond these two specific questions, I would point to the following as important issues for pastors that relate to the growth potential of a congregation.

1. Does the pastor have a contagious spirituality?

2. Can the pastor communicate the mission of the Church and of this specific congregation?

3. Does the pastor like people and is willing to spend time especially with un-churched people? I find too many clergy today who spend too much time in the office and at their computers. Christianity is about people, their relationship with Christ and one another.

4. Can the pastor disciple present members with an eye toward their sharing their faith with others?

5. Does the pastor believe that becoming a Christian is absolutely important?

6. Does the pastor believe that people are “lost” and that lost people are as important to Christ as present Church members?

7. Does the pastor fear conflict and spend too much time trying to please present members?

8. Can the pastor explain “how” to become a Christian to someone who is not a church member?

9. Can the pastor communicate enthusiasm and inspire others?

10. Is the pastor a life-long learner who has a curiosity about leadership and is willing to change and grow?

I know these can be tough questions, but they are worth asking ourselves.

Lastly, I am asked frequently if the skills for growing a church can be learned. The answer is yes, but most frequently the skills needed are learned from a mentor or another pastor who has them.

Can You Hear Me Now?
By mark miller on May 01, 2013 06:00 am

Are you a good listener? My fear is that most leaders, including myself, think we are. However, the truth may be far different. I believe without constant effort a leader’s natural tendency is to not listen – or at least not listen well.

Why would our listening skills drift without focused attention? I think there are at least five reasons:

• Leaders are busy
• We’re not taught how to listen
• Many leaders are easily distracted
• There’s so much to listen to, it’s hard to focus
• Great listening is not modeled for us

So, how do we respond? Here are five ideas that may help you and me be better listeners…

Try to find a way to add value to the person you’re listening to. Often, we listen with an ear to what we want or need. That will always be part of the conversation; but to add value, we have to discern a need or an opportunity. This type of needs analysis is usually not possible without a listening ear.

Try to focus on the person – not the crowd. If you are in a meeting and someone is speaking, don’t focus on everyone in the room, just the individual. Don’t try to read the reaction of the others. Just listen to one person. Make eye contact and focus on them alone.

Repeat what you think the person is trying to communicate. This is not a new idea – but it is still powerful. When you repeat what you’ve heard, the person can clarify as needed, just in case you’ve missed something. Also, if you’re able to replay what’s been said, the person will most likely feel affirmed – they’ll know you were listening. It’s a win-win!

Don’t try to formulate your response to the other person while they are talking. After someone finishes speaking, repeat what you heard if it’s appropriate, then pause to consider your response. If it takes a moment, that’s fine. This may even signal the to the other person that you were actually listening to them.

Eliminate as many distractions as possible. We’ll always have distractions, but do all you can to eliminate as many as possible. Turn off your phone, meet off site, close your door, meet in a conference room – do what you can to eliminate noise, literally and figuratively.

The rewards of good listening are many – people feel valued, mistakes can be avoided, execution can improve, followship can be strengthened and a culture of honor, dignity and respect can be nurtured.

If you haven’t focused on your listening skills for a while, give it a try. You might be surprised what you’ll hear.

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Are You a Well-Defined Leader?

John Holm more from this author »

TransformingChurch.net

"I've rarely coached someone who decided that more knowledge or more skill would help them become a successful leader. Instead, what they needed to learn was more about themselves."

In my work as a professional coach, and with the help of others, I’ve learned what makes a successful leader. Many people feel that it has to do with technical and/or strategic skill sets or knowledge. Knowledge is important, but it’s not central. Others believe it is critical thinking skills. That too, is important, but it’s not what I’ve found to be at the core of a great leader.

What is needed in every great leader is for the leader to be “well-defined.” I’ve rarely coached someone who decided that more knowledge or more skill would help them become a successful leader. Instead, what they needed to learn was more about themselves.

A Well-Defined Leader is one who is internally aligned. What they say complements what they do. It looks like this:

1. Their thinking rules over their emotions.

2. They’re a non-anxious presence.

3. They have firm, appropriate boundaries.

4. They have clarity of self and their own goals.

5. They consider self when problems arise.

6. They welcome conflict that is centered on mission.

7. They know their own core values and live them out in actions.

Think of a leader you respect and would love to learn from. They most likely fit the description above. Now think of a leader who struggles, who does not have many followers. They are probably struggling to be well-defined in some or many ways.

Becoming a well-defined leader does not happen overnight. It is a process of growth and maturity. But there are some core steps:

1. Identify and articulate your core values.

2. Identify and articulate your goals.

3. Identify what makes you anxious, and ask yourself why — what is your life story that plays into that anxiety?

4. Identify and articulate the values and goals of the organization you lead within.

As you can see, it begins with learning about self, the good (core values) and what you struggle with (anxieties). Leadership always begins with truly understanding who you are, and what’s important to you. It moves to what your weaknesses may be. Knowing the good and the gaps in you is the core to good leadership. You can always gain knowledge and learn new skills, but even before you do — learn about yourself.

So, if you want to grow in your leadership, take the time to know yourself. That will take you on a journey of self-awareness. Once you are self-aware, you can begin to navigate leadership in more successful ways.

John Holm

TransformingChurch.net

After a career as a pastor, John is now a consultant with TAG Consulting. He specializes in coaching individuals and teams in the process of transformational leadership.

Source: sermoncentral.com

Autopsy of a Deceased Church: 11 Things I Learned

from VirtueOnline

Autopsy of a Deceased Church: 11 Things I Learned

Thom S. Rainer
http://thomrainer.com/2013/04/24/autopsy-of-a-deceased-church-11-things-i-learned/
April 24, 2103

I was their church consultant in 2003. The church's peak attendance was 750 in 1975. By the time I got there the attendance had fallen to an average of 83. The large sanctuary seemed to swallow the relatively small crowd on Sunday morning.

The reality was that most of the members did not want me there. They were not about to pay a consultant to tell them what was wrong with their church. Only when a benevolent member offered to foot my entire bill did the congregation grudgingly agree to retain me.

I worked with the church for three weeks. The problems were obvious; the solutions were difficult.

On my last day, the benefactor walked me to my rental car. "What do you think, Thom?" he asked. He could see the uncertainty in my expression, so he clarified. "How long can our church survive?" I paused for a moment, and then offered the bad news. "I believe the church will close its doors in five years."

Read the full story at www.VirtueOnline.org

OWNER'S MANUAL | Jeff Haden

Nov 7, 2012

8 Things Remarkably Successful People Do

The most successful people in business work differently. See what they do--and why it works.

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I'm fortunate to know a number of remarkably successful people. I've described how these people share a set of specific perspectives and beliefs.
They also share a number of habits:
1. They don't create back-up plans.
Back-up plans can help you sleep easier at night. Back-up plans can also create an easy out when times get tough.
You'll work a lot harder and a lot longer if your primary plan simply has to work because there is no other option. Total commitment--without a safety net--will spur you to work harder than you ever imagined possible.
If somehow the worst does happen (and the "worst" is never as bad as you think) trust that you will find a way to rebound. As long as you keep working hard and keep learning from your mistakes, you always will.
2. They do the work...
You can be good with a little effort. You can be really good with a little more effort.
But you can't be great--at anything--unless you put in an incredible amount of focused effort.
Scratch the surface of any person with rare skills and you'll find a person who has put thousands of hours of effort into developing those skills.
There are no shortcuts. There are no overnight successes. Everyone has heard about the 10,000 hours principle but no one follows it... except remarkably successful people.
So start doing the work now. Time is wasting.
3.  ...and they work a lot more.
Forget the Sheryl Sandberg "I leave every day at 5:30" stories. I'm sure she does. But she's not you.
Every extremely successful entrepreneur I know (personally) works more hours than the average person--a lot more. They have long lists of things they want to get done. So they have to put in lots of time.
Better yet, they want to put in lots of time.
If you don't embrace a workload others would consider crazy then your goal doesn't mean that much to you--or it's not particularly difficult to achieve. Either way you won't be remarkably successful.
4. They avoid the crowds.
Conventional wisdom yields conventional results. Joining the crowd--no matter how trendy the crowd or "hot" the opportunity--is a recipe for mediocrity.
Remarkably successful people habitually do what other people won't do. They go where others won't go because there's a lot less competition and a much greater chance for success.
5. They start at the end...
Average success is often based on setting average goals.
Decide what you really want: to be the best, the fastest, the cheapest, the biggest, whatever. Aim for the ultimate. Decide where you want to end up. That is your goal.
Then you can work backwards and lay out every step along the way.
Never start small where goals are concerned. You'll make better decisions--and find it much easier to work a lot harder--when your ultimate goal is ultimate success.
6. ... and they don't stop there.
Achieving a goal--no matter how huge--isn't the finish line for highly successful people. Achieving one huge goal just creates a launching pad for achieving another huge goal.
Maybe you want to create a $100 million business; once you do you can leverage your contacts and influence to create a charitable foundation for a cause you believe in. Then your business and humanitarian success can create a platform for speaking, writing, and thought leadership. Then...
The process of becoming remarkably successful in one field will give you the skills and network to be remarkably successful in many other fields.
Remarkably successful people don't try to win just one race. They expect and plan to win a number of subsequent races.
7. They sell.
I once asked a number of business owners and CEOs to name the one skill they felt contributed the most to their success. Each said the ability to sell.
Keep in mind selling isn't manipulating, pressuring, or cajoling. Selling is explaining the logic and benefits of a decision or position. Selling is convincing other people to work with you. Selling is overcoming objections and roadblocks.
Selling is the foundation of business and personal success: knowing how to negotiate, to deal with "no," to maintain confidence and self-esteem in the face of rejection, to communicate effectively with a wide range of people, to build long-term relationships...
When you truly believe in your idea, or your company, or yourself then you don't need to have a huge ego or a huge personality. You don't need to "sell."
You just need to communicate.
8. They are never too proud.
To admit they made a mistake. To say they are sorry. To have big dreams. To admit they owe their success to others. To poke fun at themselves. To ask for help.
To fail.
And to try again.

Jeff Haden learned much of what he knows about business and technology as he worked his way up in the manufacturing industry. Everything else he picks up fromghostwriting books for some of the smartest leaders he knows in business. @jeff_haden

Source: inc.com

10 Things Extraordinary People Say Every Day

They're small things, but each has the power to dramatically change someone's day. Including yours.

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Want to make a huge difference in someone's life? Here are things you should say every day to your employees, colleagues, family members, friends, and everyone you care about:
"Here's what I'm thinking."
You're in charge, but that doesn't mean you're smarter, savvier, or more insightful than everyone else. Back up your statements and decisions. Give reasons. Justify with logic, not with position or authority.
Though taking the time to explain your decisions opens those decisions up to discussion or criticism, it also opens up your decisions to improvement.
Authority can make you "right," but collaboration makes everyone right--and makes everyone pull together.
"I was wrong."
I once came up with what I thought was an awesome plan to improve overall productivity by moving a crew to a different shift on an open production line. The inconvenience to the crew was considerable, but the payoff seemed worth it. On paper, it was perfect.
In practice, it wasn't.
So, a few weeks later, I met with the crew and said, "I know you didn't think this would work, and you were right. I was wrong. Let's move you back to your original shift."
I felt terrible. I felt stupid. I was sure I'd lost any respect they had for me.
It turns out I was wrong about that, too. Later one employee said, "I didn't really know you, but the fact you were willing to admit you were wrong told me everything I needed to know."
When you're wrong, say you're wrong. You won't lose respect--you'll gain it.
"That was awesome."
No one gets enough praise. No one. Pick someone--pick anyone--who does or did something well and say, "Wow, that was great how you..."
And feel free to go back in time. Saying "Earlier, I was thinking about how you handled that employee issue last month..." can make just as positive an impact today as it would have then. (It could even make a bigger impact, because it shows you still remember what happened last month, and you still think about it.)
Praise is a gift that costs the giver nothing but is priceless to the recipient. Start praising. The people around you will love you for it--and you'll like yourself a little better, too.
"You're welcome."
Think about a time you gave a gift and the recipient seemed uncomfortable or awkward. Their reaction took away a little of the fun for you, right?
The same thing can happen when you are thanked or complimented or praised. Don't spoil the moment or the fun for the other person. The spotlight may make you feel uneasy or insecure, but all you have to do is make eye contact and say, "Thank you." Or make eye contact and say, "You're welcome. I was glad to do it."
Don't let thanks, congratulations, or praise be all about you. Make it about the other person, too.
"Can you help me?"
When you need help, regardless of the type of help you need or the person you need it from, just say, sincerely and humbly, "Can you help me?"
I promise you'll get help. And in the process you'll show vulnerability, respect, and a willingness to listen--which, by the way, are all qualities of a great leader.
And are all qualities of a great friend.
"I'm sorry."
We all make mistakes, so we all have things we need to apologize for: words, actions, omissions, failing to step up, step in, show support...
Say you're sorry.
But never follow an apology with a disclaimer like "But I was really mad, because..." or "But I did think you were..." or any statement that in any way places even the smallest amount of blame back on the other person.
Say you're sorry, say why you're sorry, and take all the blame. No less. No more.
Then you both get to make the freshest of fresh starts.
"Can you show me?"
Advice is temporary; knowledge is forever. Knowing what to do helps, but knowing how or why to do it means everything.
When you ask to be taught or shown, several things happen: You implicitly show you respect the person giving the advice; you show you trust his or her experience, skill, and insight; and you get to better assess the value of the advice.
Don't just ask for input. Ask to be taught or trained or shown.
Then you both win.
"Let me give you a hand."
Many people see asking for help as a sign of weakness. So, many people hesitate to ask for help.
But everyone needs help.
Don't just say, "Is there anything I can help you with?" Most people will give you a version of the reflexive "No, I'm just looking" reply to sales clerks and say, "No, I'm all right."
Be specific. Find something you can help with. Say "I've got a few minutes. Can I help you finish that?" Offer in a way that feels collaborative, not patronizing or gratuitous. Model the behavior you want your employees to display.
Then actually roll up your sleeves and help.
"I love you."
No, not at work, but everywhere you mean it--and every time you feel it.
Nothing.
Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. If you're upset, frustrated, or angry, stay quiet. You may think venting will make you feel better, but it never does.
That's especially true where your employees are concerned. Results come and go, but feelings are forever. Criticize an employee in a group setting and it will seem like he eventually got over it, but inside, he never will.
Before you speak, spend more time considering how employees will think and feel than you do evaluating whether the decision makes objective sense. You can easily recover from a mistake made because of faulty data or inaccurate projections.
You'll never recover from the damage you inflict on an employee's self-esteem.
Be quiet until you know exactly what to say--and exactly what affect your words will have.

Jeff Haden learned much of what he knows about business and technology as he worked his way up in the manufacturing industry. Everything else he picks up fromghostwriting books for some of the smartest leaders he knows in business. @jeff_haden

Source: inc.com